Friday, September 14, 2012
The non drivers is Harrisburg , PA. I think you all can find one or two in your town too
Inevitably you will be driving down one of the lovely streets in Harrisburg and encounter some fine, upstanding citizen who needs to get from one side of the street to the other. Perhaps he had to park on the opposite side of the street from his dwelling or maybe she's trying to hook up with a friend she's just recognized. More than likely, its staggering across the street holding a water bottle with gin in it trying to get back to its own planet before the sun comes up and sets it on fire. For your safety and my peace of mind, here's a few tips on crossing the street. 1) DO start by locating a crosswalk. These are at the curbs. Imagine - you can pretend you're a Beatle (or a beetle) as you stroll across the white lines. Don't worry, you can step on them. They won't suck you into an alternate universe. And remember, most drivers think these white lines are to highlight hittable objects so don't dawdle Dinky.. 2) DON'T find the biggest, thickest, darkest, most distracting object to stand behind and run out at the last minute, especially at night. I may be on my cell or adjusting my socks and glance up only AFTER I've run your ass over. 3) DO at least try to make eye contact with me as I'm coming your way. If at all possible give some indication, maybe by actually blinking your waterless eyes or casting a "Hey, I'm about to cross the street, my good sir." glance. Furrow your brow if need be. If you must stare at the ground to make your feets do what they need to - will them one by one as it is - then remember to maybe wave your arms around a bit or shake your body to attract attention and raise the alarm that the Winter Warlock is crossing (Put one foot in front of the other). 4) DON'T imagine that a hard stare at me as you cross in front of my vehicle will magically protect you from a ton of oncoming metal and glass. Neither will waving your dirty shirt or shorts or that red and black backpack. Is that yours? 5) DO employ a steady gait and make a straight line from point A to point B, if at all possible. If you see a fine lady or a "holmes," on up the street, curtail any instinctive desire to stop in the street or make a detour outside of the straight line you were walking. Remember, you're CROSSING THE STREET, not dwelling on it. Don't try to lay claim to what rightfully belongs to heavy machinery that has no conscience. 6) DON'T walk diagonally up the street to an invisible point in space staring back at the car as if trying to determine if it's moving and if, truly, it's an actual object (as opposed to a figment of your imagination). It is and it is. If my straight line meets your diagonal trek I get to King me and take all your pieces. 7) DO wear light colored clothing at night, or at least something with bright reflective lettering on it or flashing lights or get one of those novelty hats with blinking lights or hey, just deck yourself out in LED strip lights. Start with your big, potato-shaped head. 8) DON'T dress up all in black with a hood and float around like a ghost. The vehicle WILL NOT pass through you. And please refrain from the outdated Al Pacino leg whip/jiggity walk. Actually, go ahead and do that. It works for you. 9) DO pay attention - A-WARE-NESS. Refrain from engaging in conversation with a friend, real or imaginary, that causes you to be so engrossed you fail to notice oncoming traffic. Staring at the people seated in the doorway or converging on the club or sitting at the outdoor table on the opposite side of the street will get you run over. And they probably know that. And refrain from shouting incoherently at someone three blocks up the street - that is as nerve racking as a car horn or siren going off. Unless of course I've run you over. Then feel free to let that Devil out. Ignore sirens. That just means someone in a emergency vehicle is a) headed to lunch or b) off-duty and having fun with you. 10) DON'T run from squirrels/dogs/wives/ex-girlfriends/gangbangers/the PO-leece into oncoming traffic. Stop, drop and roll. 11) DO guide small children and animals. Don't use them to test traffic. 12) DON'T stop to pick stuff up or talk to friends or flag someone down to try and "catch a ride, bro'." Smokey says, "If it's lying in the street and cars are coming at it, let it lie." 13) As a side note, wealth/power or the appearance of wealth/power doesn't protect you from oncoming traffic (i.e. designer clothing, jewelry, sunglasses, Eyetalyan suits, etc) any more than poverty does. Fashion face, designer clothing and accoutrements or the lack thereof are not Kryptonite to my car. Neither are tattoos, gang insignia, leatherwear, hair styles/colors, piercings, or cool shades, sleeveless jean jackets, Sam Elliott mustaches, and a slick, 70's style biker 'doo, Fonzie. None of this will protect you if you cross the street directly in front of my moving vehicle. 14) A gun may hinder my progress but you had better be a good shot and quick with the trigger because my foot can press the gas pedal to the floor in less than 100 tenths of a second. That is less time than it takes for my dead body to carry my vehicle over you and your gun. The last thing you are going to see are my sightless eyes and my hands white-knuckling the wheel unless of course you're a little person - then you're going to see my grill and headlamps almost immediately before seeing the oil pan and exhaust manifold, etc. then Elvis. (More than likely I'll still be alive because your bullets harmlessly entered my radiator which will piss me off even more than if I'd been actually shot.) 15) Refrain from "skipping" across the street or stopping to break into song. I am NOT entertained. 16) If you're crossing TO the bar, walk like a robot. If you're crossing FROM the bar, lean as far forward as you can and shuffle those feet. Faster. Faster you bastard because the faster you shuffle the funnier you look. DON'T do the "Bigfoot walking away from the scene of the defecation" video reenactment. It's OK to swing your arms but swing them OPPOSITE the movement of your legs and look AWAY from the camera. You are NOT Sasquatch even if you are hairy and smell like a hot vomit fondue. Special populations: News media, government workers, utitlities people, elected officials, etc. See # 13 (or #14, whichever applies) above. Bike riders. Seriously. Ride WITH traffic. Stay out of the middle of the street. And lose the ponytail fatass. You can pretend you're going green but we all know you lost that license. And I don't know but, if you are on your 5th DUI, really, riding a bike side-saddle with a 12 pack? Get a basket. Hoverarounders. Seriously, it's NOT A CAR. Unpimp that thing and just pretend you're walking. And if you're riding your mower pops, turn the GTO off. You can't mow the street. Joggers - jog right out. Just jog it right out there. Stop jogging in place. You wanted to jog, jog forward. You're going somewhere. You're sweating. Why wait? Jog right across the street. Elderly. I'm going to slow down, but you're on the clock. If the car starts revving - decide, are you going on or turning back? Make it quick. And lastly to the "special" special people, you know who you are (well, actually, you probably don't) - look both ways and humphfuldy dumphfuldy across. I'll wait because I am, by nature, a curious person.